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TORONTO — Forgoing gifts can help lessen some of the financial burden that comes during the holiday season, but having that conversation with family and friends can bring about feelings of shame and guilt.

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“If we work with the financial shame that arises before the conversation, it’s going to keep the conversation more grounded and less activated,” said Chantel Chapman, CEO of Trauma of Money.

The high cost of living has left many households scrambling to make ends meet and put food on the table, let alone leave room in the budget for discretionary spending. But opting not to give gifts can be a hard decision and sometimes an isolating one if friends and family aren’t on the same page.

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Researching what’s happening in the broader economy could alleviate and validate some of the financial guilt you feel about your no-gifting decision, Chapman said.

“You’re not the only person going through this,” Chapman said. “Shame will confuse us and make us think we’re the only ones.”

Steve Bridge, a certified financial planner with Money Coaches Canada, said highlighting your big picture goals — supporting your kids, saving for your kids’ education or achieving financial independence — could also help you overcome the guilt.

“Almost very rarely do I hear that, ‘Giving expensive gifts is on that list,”‘ Bridge said.

Canadians are spending more than they make and many are relying on their credit cards to shop, with average credit card debt exceeding $4,300 in the second quarter of this year — the highest level since 2007, according to Equifax.

At least 72 per cent of Canadians said holiday expenses are intensifying financial pressures, an October survey by Coast Capital showed.

Once you’ve tamped down any negative internal feelings, it’s time to articulate your thoughts and have those tough conversations.

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Chapman suggests starting the conversation with an opener along the lines of: “Listen, as you probably know, it’s challenging right now out there for people and based on my investigation of my budget … I feel that it would best if we shift the way we participate in gift-giving this year.”

Working through feelings of shame also helps make the conversation less combative, Chapman said. It could even open the door for others to express similar concerns.

Susy Fossati, owner and director of Avignon Etiquette, suggests starting the conversation as early as possible and letting friends and family know your intentions.

“As soon as you know that you may need to go a different route from the traditional gift-giving, start to communicate that,” Fossati said.

Fossati suggests making a phone call or meeting in person to have a chat about holiday celebrations and float the idea of a no-gift Christmas.

She said the conversation can be easy when approached honestly.

“Beating around the bush is where things can become very complicated,” she said, creating room for misunderstandings.

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If a friend or family member still ends up bringing a gift after the no-gifts conversation has been established, Fossati suggests simply appreciating the gesture.

“But there’s no obligation to give a gift back just because you received something,” she said.

Chapman said expressing authentic gratitude is key in such a situation.

“Reciprocity doesn’t have to be another gift at equal or higher cost,” she said.

Chapman suggested the concept of replacing the gift-giving tradition rather than restricting.

“What if you came up with a replacement idea?” she said. “You could say: ‘Instead of gifts, I want to focus my energy on spending time with you.”‘

Fossati agreed. People often get caught up in giving gifts that are lavish or expensive, she said. But it’s about evoking the most basic emotions — respect, kindness and consideration.

She says activities that don’t cost a lot of money but still bring joy and togetherness, such as a potluck, volunteering at a charity together or a book exchange could all be done in place of gifts or material items.

“Kindness is so much more than a gift wrapped,” Fossati said.

This report by The Canadian Press was first published Dec. 7, 2024.

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