IS your life cluttered with friends you’d prefer didn’t exist? Or require a minor effort to occasionally meet? Learn how to lose them like a middle-aged pro.
Go ‘no contact’
Not talking to people doesn’t need to be limited to your exes. People you share cherished memories with can also be weeded out of your life by going ‘no contact’. They might not get the message at first and bombard you with texts, but stand firm and eventually they’ll lose interest. No more pesky ‘human warmth’ to get in the way of important TV-watching!
Adopt a new personality
Your friends like you for who you are. Exploit this weakness by pretending to be the absolute opposite when you bump into them. Hang out with a bunch of woke types? Start banging on about how great Brexit is and reposting Laurence Fox’s latest tweets. Mix with gammons? Tell them you’ve gone vegan and are transitioning. You’ll be alone in no time.
Move away
Sure, you’ll need to uproot your whole life and find a new place to live, but what’s the alternative? Continue being around people who want to see you and enjoy your company? No thanks. Spend some time researching the remotest and most affordable location then start packing. If anyone asks why you’re moving to Jura, use the bullet-proof excuse of saying it’s for work. You’ve become a sheep administrator.
Never be there for them
Has your mate got divorced, lost their job or embarked on a mid-life crisis? This is your time to shake them off by being of no use whatsoever. Even a consolatory sad face emoji gives them an in, so don’t send one. It’s a cowardly move usually made by shit boyfriends, but your utter failure to meet the basic requirements of a relationship might even prompt an otherwise bluff, blokey, don’t-give-a-shit male friend to ditch you.
Get married and have kids
An extreme step, perhaps, but one that always works. With a partner and kids you’ll have no time to hang out with friends or do anything fun for at least 18 years, by which point everyone will have long forgotten you exist. It’s expensive as f**k and will leave you shattered, but the results speak for themselves.