KNOW an idiot who believes pizza is better with just bland, boring mozzarella? Here are some food facts they need to stop being in denial about.
A handful of cheddar makes all Italian dishes better
The Italians think they are the greatest cooks in the world but if that’s true, why do none of their recipes ask for the generous handful of cheddar cheese that makes all their dishes nicer? Pizza, spaghetti bolognese, lasagne, risotto: all much tastier with a liberal sprinkling of Cathedral City.
Truffles taste like feet
Yeah, yeah, we all know truffles are rare and impossible to farm, and can only be found by specially trained pigs or whatever, but that doesn’t mean we have to keep lying to ourselves and pretending they don’t taste vile. Even bang-average high street cafes are selling ‘truffle fries’ now. Please stop this madness and allow us to eat our chips with salt and vinegar, as God intended.
Homemade pastry is never better than shop-bought
It doesn’t matter if you used your great-great-grandmother’s secret recipe and lard from a pig you raised and slaughtered yourself: the sad truth is that pastry made by a robot in a factory will always be more elegant and tasty than the thick, lumpy stuff you produce. Stop being such a snob and give in to the seductiveness of ready-rolled puff. You won’t regret it.
Delia Smith is the best celebrity chef
You can keep Heston Blumenthal, Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall, Anna Jones and the rest: the only celebrity chef we need is Delia. She’ll teach you anything you want, from boiling an egg to making a soufflé, with the no-nonsense attitude of a bossy 1980s home economics teacher. Plus she got pissed and lairy at a football match, which you’d never see that drip Nigel Slater doing.
Correcting someone’s pronunciation of a foreign food always makes you a twat
When discussing food with a friend or acquaintance, it is guaranteed that they will never, ever appreciate you correcting their pronunciation of a foreign name or phrase. While you may feel like a clever and cultured person for interjecting with ‘Actually, it’s pronounced ‘broo-SKEH-tah’, they will hate you for being the enormous wanker that you are.
Findus Crispy Pancakes are the zenith of gastronomic achievement
Foodie bellends will try to convince you that eye-wateringly expensive flash-friend Japanese wagyu steak is the most delicious dish in the world, but they’re wrong. The fact is that a beef mince Findus Crispy Pancake is always going to be 100 per cent more satisfying and tasty. They could even air fry it, if they want to be posh.