A FOOL threw away his 20s predominantly sober while holding down a stable job and adult relationship, it has emerged.

Well-adjusted cretin Tom, not his real name, wasted his first decade of adulthood by making prudent decisions, including saving for a mortgage and getting a dog, when he could have been making disastrous decisions while high on drugs that he could usefully learn from.

He said: “Everyone does stupid things in their twenties. In my case, marrying my long-term girlfriend and paying money into a pension.

“Year after year slipped by in a haze of promotions at work, prioritising time with my family and eating healthily. Meanwhile friends were bankrupting themselves on creative projects or snorting coke in strip clubs while they still had chance.

“Now I’m almost 30. Try any of that shit and I’m f**ked, and all my mates who had wild years will shake their heads smugly and knowingly.

“I didn’t even get a tattoo I regret, shag about, develop a debilitating alcohol dependency, eat McDonald’s in my pants while weeping or wear a problematic Halloween costume. It was just year upon year of practical prudent choices, like a dick.

“If I could go back and do it all again I’d f**k everything up deliberately. Maybe spend a few months inside.”