EXPERTS are disparaging the need to be physically in the office you work in as mere ‘presenteeism’. But what if that’s the only bit you’re good at?  

I, Nathan, not my real name obvs,, have been a marketing manager since 2017. I will remain so indefinitely because I’m neither good enough to promote nor bad enough to demote. And I attribute that entirely to being in the office. 

Have no illusions: that’s what I have to offer. I’m here. You can see me. Therefore I must be doing work because you’d notice if I was watching Netflix. And because of this, I earn in the mid-five figures. 

By being present, I make the office bustle. I justify the money spent on the building, on chairs, on printers. I walk around purposefully while nodding at others. I do all the good shit. 

How can a divisional head feel they matter if they can’t look out on people tapping diligently away? When they cannot stop a conversation by walking past? When nobody sees them leave early in their Audi Q7, are they really superior? 

That’s the service I provide. Not just ‘work’, as those who prefer their home comforts put it. Not just answering emails and analysing data and proof-checking creative from the sofa. I do a little of that but not much, because what I do is turn up. 

I don’t take sick days. I hated lockdown. Any absence, however brief, risks exposing how smoothly the place runs without me. I need to be there, standing around, holding papers and nodding sagely. 

Now if you’ll excuse me, I must attend a meeting I’ve scheduled for the purpose of holding a meeting. You’re only calling in? Shameful.