Welcome to A Polyamorous Perspective, an advice column where I, Leanne Yau – a bisexual, polyamorous, and neurodivergent educator, writer, advocate, and expert at Taimi – answer your burning questions on navigating all things non-monogamy. I’ve been in various forms of open relationships since 2016, and have been publicly sharing tips, personal stories, and resources on how to practise healthy, sustainable polyamory since 2020 on my page, @polyphiliablog.
Dear Leanne,
I’ve been seeing a girl for a few months and she’s told me she’s non-monogamous, which NBD, I’m open to. I have previously said I’d prefer something more committed but she said she wanted to keep things casual.
On the other hand, when I told her I’d had my first camming session and signed up to a sugaring website she started crying and accused me of ruining our relationship. I found this kind of confusing as she said she was non-monogamous.
So, my question, is this kind of behaviour typical? Are non-monogamous people inclusive of sex workers, or can I expect to receive this kind of judgement from other poly/ENM folks in future?
Regards,
SWer Demands Respect
First things first, I’m really sorry that this happened. It’s horrific that you received such an unexpected negative reaction from someone you thought you could trust, especially someone who you wanted a more committed relationship from. I’m honestly as confused as you are that this happened, as from what I have seen, most non-monogamous people are much more accepting and inclusive of sex workers than monogamous people are, though my experience is of course not universal.
Is the non-monogamous community supportive of sex workers?
A lot of monogamous people would hesitate to date a sex worker because they are unable to separate the sex that one has in an intimate relationship, and sex that one has as a performance and a professional transaction, and view all sex outside of a relationship as infidelity regardless of the context in which it is had. Because of this misconception, while there are sex workers who do desire monogamous relationships, many sex workers opt for non-monogamy due to the lack of requirement for sexual exclusivity and a higher likelihood of sharing similar values on sexual and bodily autonomy.
Having said that, sex work is still widely misunderstood and stigmatised, and many people don’t view it as a valid profession, even those who consider themselves progressive in their values and have done the work to embrace non-traditional relationships. Just like there are so-called ‘feminists’ who are transphobic (trans-exclusionary radical feminists, or TERFs), there are ‘feminists’ who are whorephobic (sex work-exclusionary radical feminists, or SWERFs).
In my opinion, a pretty core part of non-monogamy is embracing sex-positive values and the right to make our own decisions about what we do with our bodies and the sex we have (if we want to have it), and to me, monetising one’s body and sexuality is included in that. However, not all non-monogamous people feel the same way, and there are definitely non-monogamous people who have complicated feelings about sex work, however contradictory that may seem.
How to broach sex work with a sexual partner
If you are still in contact with this partner, this might be an opportunity to have a chat about how this has made you feel, why she responded in this way, and what agreements you can set in your non-monogamous dynamic (if you still desire one) that make both of you feel secure and respected. Your partner’s reaction could be based on personal values around the validity of sex work, and if that is the case, then the two of you are simply incompatible in my opinion – you deserve a partner who recognises and respects sex work as work.
However, there could be other reasons, and without more information, I can only guess and make suggestions, but here are some possibilities. Perhaps she is worried about the social stigma around dating a sex worker in addition to the stigma that already exists around non-monogamy, or is threatened by the amount of sex you will have through work and is afraid she won’t measure up as a partner. Of course, that doesn’t make her accusation that you are “ruining” the relationship any less harsh than it is, but being non-monogamous doesn’t automatically mean one is immune to strong emotions or saying the wrong thing when feeling activated – she’s only human, and humans make mistakes.
Another explanation for her actions is that she is simply experiencing jealousy and insecurity and her tears have nothing to do with sex work at all. Maybe she was expecting different parameters for your relationship and hadn’t fully communicated them, or is worried about the changes to your relationship that your new job will present. In that case, having a conversation and providing her the reassurance she needs may resolve things quicker than you think.
Like with any relationship, you deserve to be with someone who respects you, your body, and what you choose to do with it. If her reaction has left a bad taste in your mouth, I would understand if you don’t want any further contact. However, if you are invested in getting more clarity from the situation, I would encourage you to communicate with each other to avoid future misunderstandings and hopefully reach a resolution…even if that resolution is breaking things off and moving on.