HI, [INSERT NAME HERE], I came across your LinkedIn profile and thought you would be a great fit to make me look like I’ve got a wealth of candidates. Here’s how I’ll screw you over:
Arbitrary phone contact
Emails are for cowards. Without fail I’ll ring you at the weirdest times, several times a day. If you are unable to talk, because for example you are working in your current job, I will be disappointed in your lack of commitment. If we agree a time to call, I will be unavailable.
Judgemental Zoom calls
It’s crucial that I check you interview well, ie are sober at 4pm and have no facial tattoos. To this end we must Zoom for 20 minutes. I will recite from a script in a monotone while closely examining the room behind you to establish how desperate and therefore easily defrauded you are.
Switch to being chummy
Abruptly mate, we’ll be mates, right? My last training course recommended I ask about your kids so I have done so. These laughs are practiced and I have four; the one you’re hearing has the lowest value. You will now trust me, even though I am pronouncing your name incorrectly.
Withhold key information
Why would I inform you what the salary is? My God, is that all you’re interested in? No, I’ll keep that back and make you ask for it like the venal, money-grubbing peasant you are. Oh, and you’ll only find out it’s full-time in the Skegness office at the interview. I didn’t want to put you off.
Lying
Don’t worry, I will flat out lie. Like when I say I the job, which you weren’t really that fussed about anyway, was ‘yours barring some formalities’. Now you’re four different psychometric tests, two interviews and a meet-and-greet deep. And they’ve asked your current employer for a reference.
Ghosting
In the unfortunate event that things don’t work out, you will be told promptly and sensitively with constructive feedback. Joking. You’ll never hear from me again, though I will send an automated request for you to give me a five-star rating on Google.
Taking rejection badly
However, if you dare have the bad grace to tell me you don’t want the job? Making me look a fool in front of Linda from HR? You’ve ripped the commission from this precious little recruiter like bread from an orphan’s hands. And I only entered you to make up the f**king numbers.