A CHILD with measles was told it is because daddy stays up late reading utter bullshit on the internet and bases decisions on that. 

Lucy, not her real name, aged three, was informed that she is currently suffering due to her father’s distrust of the ‘biased mainstream media’, which helps him feel like an interesting person.

She said: “Daddy says MMR is a conspiracy to give children autism. I asked a few basic childish questions like ‘who’, ‘why’, and ‘is it working’ but dad said I didn’t want to go down that rabbit hole.

“I asked if all my friends at school would get measles and he said no, they’ve had the vaccine. I said that wasn’t fair and he said the medical malpractice of using children as guinea pigs isn’t fair.

“Dad claims his theories are supported by such thinkers as 90s FHM favourite Jenny McCarthy and Donald Trump. I said I’d heard enough and bring me more Lucozade.”

Father Nathan Muir said: “She’s too wrapped up in her own troubles to understand what a bold, disruptive position anti-vaxxing is and what a visionary I am.

“I wish my father had stopped me getting vaccinated when I was younger. Selfish bastard.”