A MAN despondent about losing his girlfriend has felt his sour mood lift after merciless piss-taking from his mates. 

Sam, no this real name, who finished a four-year relationship with a woman he truly loved on Saturday, felt his burden eased by close friends pointing out in humorous, uncompromising language that he had punched above his weight and lost it all by being a twat. 

Wayne, not his real name, punching him on the arm, said: “Back to the ugly birds for you, eh Tommy? Either that or you’ll die alone. Pint? 

“Remember how you put her needs first and wouldn’t even come in the strip club on Hefty’s stag do, you absolute f**king mug? You ain’t getting those prime years back mate, they’re gone forever. 

Norm, not his real name, added: “Dating’s moved on since you were last single, Tom. You’re old, you’re out of shape. Bollocks to swiping left, the Tinder algorithm won’t even show you for fear of their app crashing. 

“Shame you can’t make up for it in personality. Still, there’s always all the women you’ll pull from being a admin manager for the council, whoops, that sound was a million fannies slamming tight shut. 

“Never mind, we’ll still hang out with you from pity and because it’s fun to laugh at your terrible, terrible life, you being an objectively crap human being.” 

Wiping tears from his eyes, Sam said: “Thanks guys, I needed that. I feel better already.”