DOES your boss like to ask ridiculous questions during your catch-ups? Here’s how to answer their tedious, pointless queries:
How much revenue will this idea make in five years?
This one is easy: just get out your trusty crystal ball and divine an answer from the ether. Failing that, pick a large number at random and make a mental note to leave the company just before the five years are up.
How is your wellbeing?
Your boss has clearly just been on a course about empathetic leadership styles, but, coming from an habitual sociopath, this question is just plain sinister. Ask the question back to them, and then copy whatever they say. The workplace is no place for reflection or honesty.
Do you like the new process?
The process reeks like Satan’s toenail clippings but you can’t say that because it was the boss’s idea. Instead, wax lyrical and ignore the shrivelling feeling of your soul dying as your one precious life slips through your fingers.
Did you sort things out with Lisa?
If by ‘sort things out’ they mean had a frosty and combative Zoom call where Lisa repeatedly said, ‘that’s not my problem’ whilst obviously flicking through a magazine on her lap, then… yes.
Where do you see yourself in five years’ time?
The genuine options of ‘far away from here’ or ‘dead from burnout’ are both off-limits, obliging you to bullshit rapidly about ‘building on your current skills’ and ‘taking on more responsibility’. Both of which, if you are made to carry them out, will make life much worse.
Can we get this done by Thursday?
By ‘we’, your boss means ‘you.’ Clearly this is not really a question, but an order. Moreover, the request will consume enough time to ensure you are too exhausted and broken to do anything else, like go on LinkedIn and look for a better job.