You’re a Yankees fan headed to Los Angeles for the first time. Of course you have questions.
After all, you’ve come west from an old, dense, stinky, shrinking, corruption-plagued city while we wait here in a young, sprawling city that’s — well, OK, also stinky, shrinking and plagued by corruption.
But we have In-N-Out. And on those winter days when you’re at risk of freezing like an ice sculpture on the sidewalk, we’re standing around in yoga pants and board shorts, pretending we’ve just been surfing.
You’re rooting for a fledgling team (founded 1901) whose home is a newfangled ballpark (opened 2009). We cheer for a more venerable institution (Brooklyn Trolley Dodgers’ first season: 1884) and cavort in a vintage 1962 stadium.
You gave the world George Steinbrenner, Billy Joel and the Bronx Cheer. We gave the world Vin Scully, Randy Newman and the High Five.
You might have tastier pizza and bagels — although at least one food critic from New York thinks the best bagels are in Berkeley. We have tastier everything else, including Dodger Dogs.
Anyway, you’re here now. Upon arrival, prepare for the glorious ease of LAX, the homespun beauty of Century Boulevard, the high-speed convenience of the 405. Next you may wonder: Will there be enough parking at Griffith Observatory? Is it an easy walk from North Hollywood to West Hollywood? Is the ocean clean beneath the Santa Monica pier?
Yes, yes, yes, of course. And for a good icebreaker in any chat with a Dodgers fan, just say something nice about Manny Machado.
Just kidding. We wouldn’t lead you astray. Here’s some better advice for getting around town.
You might be afraid of driving here. We are too. But wait until you see our subway. Now, which do you fear more?
Want a happy surprise? Take Crystal Springs Drive to the Wilson & Harding Golf Courses in Griffith Park and look for the plaque near the clubhouse. Here, the plaque says, is where Babe Ruth was enjoying an off-season round in January,1920, when he found out he’d been traded from the Red Sox to the Yankees, pending his approval. The bearer of that news was Yankees manager Miller Huggins, who got Ruth’s OK by offering a massive salary hike. So basically the greatest moment in Yankees history happened on an L.A. golf course, 38 years before L.A. had a major league team.
Maybe you need some more landmarks to help you get oriented.
That brick building at 757 S. New Hampshire Ave. in Koreatown? The “Seinfeld” apartment building.
That coffeehouse on the Warner Bros. studio lot in Burbank? The Central Perk interior from “Friends.”
The gritty crime scenes in all those “Law & Order” episodes? — oh, those are back in New York.
But if you’re wistful for big city glitz and grit, the sights, sounds and scents of Hollywood Boulevard await. If you’re missing the sleek, silvery lines of the Chrysler Building, have a stroll around Disney Hall. If you miss the skaters in Rockefeller Center, check out the ones on boards at the Venice Skatepark.
Want to start an argument? Ask where the line is between the east side and west side.
Eventually, of course, you’ll go to the ballpark, a midcentury marvel surrounded by palm trees, fetching greenery and bittersweet memories of Fernando Valenzuela. If you see an unpermitted vendor, do not attempt to buy pretzels. They will hand you an Ohtani T-shirt and demand $700.
I must confess, we’re nervous about what Aaron Judge might do to our bullpen. After all, last time he was here, he broke the door.
And speaking of bullpens, once the game starts, don’t blink or you’ll discover another new Dodger on the mound. In their peculiar form of invincibility, the Dodgers go through more pitchers than McSorley’s Old Ale House on a Saturday night.
You know to be nervous about Shohei Otani’s bat. Just don’t overlook Chaz Perea’s green thumb (he’s the landscape manager behind all that greenery) or Dieter Ruehle’s organ. With his quick wit and keyboard prowess, Ruehle has played the Dodgers, Lakers and Kings to six championships. But don’t worry. You still have Billy Joel.
Finally, if you’re wondering what’s actually in a Dodger Dog, there’s a local saying which covers that: Forget about it.