A MAN with a yacht is clearly turned on whenever he talks about the vessel as if it is actually female.

Ian, not his real name, from Wapping frequently refers to the recently purchased sailboat using female pronouns, raising suspicions that he is fulfilling a secret lifelong fantasy of owning an actual human woman.

He said: “She’s a 25-foot scorcher, absolutely gorgeous with lovely curves. She really is the perfect woman, and this is not in any way weird.

“I named her ‘Melissa’ after a girlfriend I had in secondary school. My wife wasn’t best pleased, but now I’ve got another woman in my life it doesn’t matter, right?

“The best thing about Melissa? She never answers back. I don’t know why I wasted my life chasing women who aren’t made of fibreglass and metal.

“Don’t worry – it’s not as if I’m going to make mad, passionate love to her! Although there is a small gap between the cushions in the living quarters I couldn’t help but notice.”

Ina’s husband Dave, not his real name, said that despite what his husband might claim, he was not jealous of the nautical transport method with no discernible gender features. 

He said: “It’s creepy, but if he wants to pretend he’s shagging it, that’s alright with me. 

“To be fair I have my own intimate relationship with an inanimate object, my vibrator. Although I don’t keep talking about it as if I’m going to invite it to a dinner party.”