YOUR lunch break is a golden hour of freedom from a long day as a corporate drone, except when the wankers you work with take it from you:  

By obsessing about cake 

Cake’s pretty good. You enjoy eating it. You even occasionally watch Bake-Off. But sacrificing your whole lunch to fawn over a colleague’s lemon drizzle as if they’d gestated it for nine months? Waiting, spoon poised, hearing the bake story, making a Japanese tea ceremony seem rushed? But, yes, you’ll have a slice, a f**king big one. Thank you. 

By having drama 

They’ve spent the whole morning casually going about their work, but just as you take your first bite of a Coronation chicken baguette: ‘Everyone! I’ve got something to say’. Or worse, ‘I’m fine, it’s nothing’. Before you know it you’ve lost an hour of your life consoling some idiot dumped by the bastard she’ll be back in love with at tomorrow’s lunch break. 

By organising something 

Birthday drinks, or a leaving do, or any f**king excuse for the self-appointed organiser to get their spreadsheet out. Pounces at lunch when you’re vulnerable, no excuse is good enough, and you arrive back at your desk signed-up, suffering indigestion and a tenner down. 

By still working 

Breaks are necessary and legally mandated, but your colleague doesn’t see it that way and insists on talking shop. She waits until you’re two mouthfuls into your chilli pasta and one page into your book before sliding over with a request to update ROI figures and can you do it immediately? Adding she’s doing you a favour by not bringing it up in a meeting. 

By treating you to a slideshow 

You only asked how his holiday was out of politeness. Now you’re watching shaky videos of him wobbling atop a camel and slaughtering a Steps track at the all-inclusive karaoke. Oblivious to your consuming a burrito in tiny bites to leave time for positive affirmations, he goes on to treat you to uncensored pictures from Darryl’s stag do. 

By getting the lunch order wrong 

A prawn sandwich is not tuna mayo. Seabrook’s salt and vinegar crisps are objectively superior to Walker’s. Why did you delegate the most important task of the day to the least competent member of staff? The entire afternoon’s ruined now. No work can possibly be done.