EVERY employee in Britain is whistling and smiling until their thunder-faced bosses stalk past, it has emerged.  

Junior workers across the UK are grinning spontaneously and giggling ‘he quoted Chitty Chitty Bang Bang for f**k’s sake’ before stiffening up and falling silent when the angry tread of a capital gains taxpayer is heard. 

Marketing executive Jack, not his real name, said: “Greatest night of my – where is she? In her office? – bloody life. 

“Rocked up to the office, four hours sleep, high-fived the security team, danced down the corridor singing Lily Allen’s F**k You, then froze as I heard the unmistakable sound of Kayleigh getting a full-on incensed my-side-lost bollocking. 

“So I’ve spent the morning feigning a restrained expression of mourning, struggling to comprehend the scale of my loss like I’m Akshata Murthy in dazzle camo, until the boss pisses off. Then we do Penny Mordaunt impressions.” 

Colleague Jo, not her real name, said: “We’re high as kites one minute then sober and stone-faced the next. It’s like when me and my sister did MDMA while sharing a static caravan with our granny.” 

Boss Carolyn, not her real name, said: “Starmer and co will bring in all kinds of new employment laws. I need to get firing pronto.”