A MAN working a standard nine-to-five office job is finding it almost impossible to find the right ratio of working to doing f**k all. 

Anthony, not his real name, spends every day, five days a week, balancing the needs and demands of his employer with looking up serial killers on Wikipedia, texting the group chat or simply fannying around in the Boots meal deal section for an hour. 

He lamented: “I don’t know how other people do it. There never seem to be enough hours in the day. Sometimes I’m still on football forums at six o’clock. 

“It’s not like I’m out to avoid all work, because without anything to do the day really drags. But if I do more than 20 minutes at a time I feel harassed, stressed and overwhelmed, and that’s terrible for my mental health. 

“So still, every day, I’m opening spreadsheets or emailing clients then flicking over to TikTok or browsing eBay. I feel like I’m doing two jobs and neither of them well. Which is what my boss said about one of them. 

“I’m going to spend all day today working out an hour-by-hour work-skive schedule, colour-coded, across the whole week so I can really get on top of this. With wanks in pink. Now that’s efficiency.” 

Boss Donna, not her real name, said: “Ant has requested Mondays and Fridays working from home. I’ve agreed. That’s two-fifths of the way to firing him.”