LETTING rip with the deafening roar of a shotgun blast impresses absolutely no-one, loud sneezers have been informed. 

Professor Frost, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Sneezes happen, I get that. But I draw the line when people seem physically satisfied for somehow creating a noise that’s louder than glass bottles being tipped into the recycling. 

“I know there’s a danger that if you hold in a sneeze you might rupture your eardrums, but how likely is that really? 

“And if that does happen your name might end up in a medical journal. It’s a small price for fame. 

“Meanwhile, teeny-tiny sneezers can f**k off as well. You’re expelling air and snot, so don’t try and act like some sort of Beatrix Potter character. It’s manky.” 

Loud sneezer Kah Heng, not his real name, said: “My ear-splitting sneezes are a substitute for my lack of personality. A couple of violent sternutations provide an engaging conversation topic for those around me. They really make the days fly by. 

“I will sulk if you don’t say ‘bless you’.”