IT’S a scary world out there for you humans. Luckily I’m always there to protect you with my terrifying barking abilities. Here are the threats I keep at bay every single day.
Hoovers
I don’t really know what a hoover is. Maybe it’s a creature of some kind, possibly a cyborg. All I know for certain is that it’s f**king evil. And yet, inexplicably, you let this monster live in our home. Worse still, every week or so you take him out and give it the house tour – all while it emits a deafening wail. If I wasn’t around to keep it in check there’s no telling what this sick bastard would do.
Postmen
I just don’t understand this guy. Every time I see him I insist he keeps away from our property, and yet every few mornings he shows up again to slip more mystery objects through the letterbox. I can only assume he’s trying to get inside and kill us all. Okay, I admit I quite enjoy eating some of the things he slides through the door – but that doesn’t mean he has the right to do it.
Oddly-shaped rocks
Sometimes a rock just doesn’t look right. And on those occasions it’s incredibly important to bark and whine at the rock for several minutes to ensure it doesn’t do anything untoward. You’re certainly not about to do that – so it’s up to old muggins here to save the day yet again.
Large bags of shopping
One of the things that scares us dogs more than anything is the unknown. So every time I see you stroll into the house holding a bag heaving with stuff, I assume the worst. I mean, what the f**k’s in there? Snakes? Fire? A dozen XL Bullies? If it isn’t some kind of gift for me, then get it the hell out of here.
That dog that lives in the mirror
There’s something about that prick in the mirror that just doesn’t sit right. He looks exactly like me, he’s completely odourless, and his fur is weirdly smooth and cold. I’ve decided he means to cause us harm. The trouble is, this guy gives as good as he gets. Every time I try to see him off with a few barks, he stands his ground and barks right back at me.
Lorries
Yes, they’re bigger than me, faster than me and they weigh about 15 tonnes more than me. But don’t think I won’t f**k up a lorry if I have to. I’d do anything for this family. Think about that the next time you can’t be arsed to go on a 15-minute walk with me.
Your mate Terry
Look, I just don’t f**king like your mate Terry, alright? I don’t know what it is. Maybe it’s his hair or that big coat he wears. Either way, I don’t trust him and I think you should keep the f**k away from him.
‘Nothing’
Every so often I’ll stare into empty space and bark like a lunatic. At least that’s what it looks like to you. For your own peace of mind, it’s probably best I don’t go into too much detail about what’s going on here. But rest assured, you’d be in a whole heap of trouble if I wasn’t around. Maybe you could show some gratitude every once in a while by giving me a bit of your dinner.