DINNER parties are a great way to prove you’re better than your friends. But how do you pull it off?
Eccentric neighbour pop-in
Conspire a ruse to have an eccentric neighbour ‘pop-in’. Reveal afterwards that he is an eminent professor, which is true even though you also suspect he is a massive pervert.
Obscure conversation topics
Research some bollocks on the internet about history, modern culture or politics then steer the conversation towards your show-off monologue and pray to god no-one else knows about the Columbian Donkey Mezcal Festival.
Reading
Be a super-pretentious twat by following each course with a reading. A poem, song lyrics and finally a passage from an old diary when at age 14 you wrote down the deepest thought you will ever have in your life shortly after your stick insect died.
Excessive partner touching
Constantly paw and fondle your partner to make it seem like you have the perfect relationship. Do this most of the night even though an hour before everyone arrived you had a relationship-ending row about overcooking the cuttlefish croquettas.
Over-elaborate pudding
Serve an unforgettable dessert that requires you pipette hot chocolate sauce on a chocolate sphere whilst shoving mint up your nose and squeezing plum juice into your eye.