I want to leave my wife, but we have two young children. What should I do? I’m 38 and my wife of 11 years is 39.
A few months ago, on social media, I happened across the woman who was my first serious girlfriend.
We dated for three years as teenagers, only breaking up when we went to different universities.
She was my first everything and the woman I lost my virginity to. Our relationship was intense and passionate, and I have often thought about her over the years.
Chatting again made me remember how well-suited we were, and revealed how stale my marriage has become.
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My wife and I don’t have sex, and have nothing to say to each other any more.
When my first love and I eventually met again, it was as if we had never been apart. Sparks flew, and after a few drinks, we ended up in bed.
It was incredible. Since then, we have often met in secret, having sex in hotels. We message all day.
She is separated and says she wants me to move in with her.
That is all I can think about. The problem is, my kids are only seven and five. If I leave it will devastate them.
My wife is the type who will try to take everything to punish me. I know this because she encouraged a divorcing friend of hers to take her husband to the cleaners.
But I can’t stay in my miserable marriage and risk losing my first love again.
DEIDRE SAYS: They say nobody forgets their first love because it is a uniquely intense relationship.
You are caught up in a haze of nostalgia and reignited passion, which almost certainly won’t last.
On the other hand, you are clearly unhappy, and have been for a long time.
Ask yourself whether, if your first love hadn’t reappeared, you would be contemplating leaving your wife. Also think about whether you are using your lover as a diversion, rather than trying to repair your marriage.
Children don’t thrive in unhappy relationships, as my support pack, When Parents Fall Out, explains. You can still be a good dad if you divorce.
Fear of your wife’s anger, or losing money, is not a good reason to stay.
Contact tavistockrelationships.org and talk this through with a counsellor.