CHILDREN say the cruelest, funniest things, directly to you in front of a roomful of people, like ‘Where’s your hair gone, uncle Simon?’ Here’s how to laugh it off: 

Try not to take it to heart

Hard as it is when a child has said ‘How are you sisters when she’s pretty and you’re not?’ remember children don’t have ulterior motives for humiliating you, unlike adults. They just tell the truth, which means that yes you have a big wonky nose and smell of tuna melt, but it’s wrong to suffer a mortal wound from someone who still sucks their thumb.

Shrug it off

In a group setting, the chance of a comment like ‘Are you drinking wee?’ or ‘Mummy says you drink like a fishy, can you show me?’ is dangerously high. Preparing a coolly-worded comeback to show how unbothered you are, like ‘Shouldn’t you be drawing a crap picture to stick on the fridge?’ reduces the risk of barking out ‘F**k off, you’re adopted.’

Blame the parents

Really, a child remarking ‘What happened to auntie Emma from Christmas, did she dump you?’ is the fault of their parents. Shoot them affronted looks and if they don’t work, call out ‘Can anyone put this little shit on an iPad, because I think that’s how she’s normally raised?’ Bear in mind nobody feels sorry for an affronted 33-year-old.

Get everyone pissed

Children in the 1970s didn’t give cheek, because adults were habitually drunk and not above a clip around the ear. Return to those dark days of unforgivable brutality by pouring liberal measures so the next time an adorable tot says ‘You’re all boring and you smell bad like eggs,’ someone’s intoxicated enough to tell them to bugger off.

Take revenge

Adorable moppet just called you fat? Wait until her parents are out of the room and hit back hard. Being short, having twat teeth or being a bedwetter are all solid lines of attack. Add ‘You’ll fail at school and have to work in a bin,’ to get them crying. You will be grassed up but your self-esteem will soar. They’re only fake crying anyway.