A WOMAN is outraged after a man she had reserved as her back-up husband had the audacity to marry someone else. 

Helen, not her real name, had Mark, not his real name,  “firmly in mind” if she failed to meet someone better, but he has now ruined everything by callously trying to find happiness in his own life. 

She said: “Mark and I dated at school before I dumped him for someone hotter and broke his heart. Now I hear he’s getting married to someone called ‘Clare’. He’s such a selfish prick. 

“Doesn’t he know how much time and effort I’ve put in over the years, stringing him along but never giving him sufficient encouragement to annoyingly ask me on a date? I’d turn him down, obviously.

“I had to time those confusing signals perfectly. He’s meant to spend his life waiting around and never having any relationships, like a eunuch with genitals.

“Now I have to put some actual energy into finding a husband. At least Steve will spend the rest of his life pining for me and wondering what our relationship would have been like.

“I can always split him and Clare up if I have to. It could be worse. My friend Lucy’s back-up husband has just come out as gay. What a creep.”