A MIDDLE-AGED woman who wants to feel energised to the point of anxiety can do so by drinking a strong cup of tea after midday, she has confirmed.

Hannah, not her real name, has no need for cans of the caffeine-and-sugar infused soft drink in offensively bright packaging when a bag of PG Tips left to steep for five minutes too long produces exactly the same effect.

She said: “Why do people drink energy drinks? To feel alert and focussed, which is what a mug of tea does to me after lunchtime, especially if I go hard and have a KitKat as well.

“And if you’re over 40, it will also produce the same side effects of necking half a litre of Monster, including a rapid heartbeat, nausea and lying awake until 4am the following night questioning your life choices and trying not to have a panic attack.

“Plus, you don’t look like a child when you drink it. Monster is fine for teenage goths and Amazon delivery drivers on a crushing schedule, but if you’re a grown adult sipping one while alternating it with puffs of your watermelon vape, please stop embarrassing yourself.

“And don’t get me started on coffee drinkers. Anything more complicated than a basic brew with a splash of milk makes you a massive wanker, in my book.”