How is Gen Z putting the ‘boysober’ and ‘girlsober’ mentality into practice?
Addy, 26, has been boysober for 5 months. For them and their practising friends, the move to celibacy is all about self-reflection – in Addy’s case, understanding his pansexuality. “I’ve very much grown up around situations where romance and hookups are idealised and encouraged,” they say. “But now I’m at a point where my company, and those I love platonically, is often more nurturing than anything that might be considered romantic.”
I’m at a point where my company, and those I love platonically, is often more nurturing than anything that might be considered romantic.”
Taking time aside Gen Zers, like Addy, are using their time during abstinence to work on themselves ahead of when they next choose to have a relationship. “Also, if you’re not mentally in a place to commit, why not take some time out – work on yourself – and come back to it when you have the capacity.”
Queer 25-year-old Tilly, decided to go ‘girlsober’ and ‘boysober’ after a bad breakup and has stuck at it for almost a year. Choosing to take a break from the faff of talking stages and awkward dates, they’ve used the last year to re-examine their relationship with queerness and gender identity. For them, the time away from dating has been an opportunity for them to explore their identity – both in terms of sexuality and gender – through abstinence; an opportunity that led them to re-evaluate how they identify and choose to present themselves as part of the LGBTQIA+ community.
“[Abstinence] has helped me to examine my thoughts and feelings towards myself, who I am in a relationship and what my own boundaries are when it comes to sex,” they say, “It was helpful for me to figure out my non-binary identity, specifically, without the pressure of trying to attract other people.” As for their friends, a few of them have also tried going “sober” from relationships and Tilly isn’t surprised at the trend of LGBTQIA+ Gen Zers leaning into the movement. “[Dating] can be a pretty tough thing to navigate; there are lots of boundaries you need to figure out to know what’s best for yourself, what you want when it comes to sex and love and romance,” they agree.
“[Abstinence] has helped me to examine my thoughts and feelings towards myself, who I am in a relationship and what my own boundaries are when it comes to sex
Meghan*, who identifies as queer, 22, has gone boysober because he is “waiting for something to happen naturally”. For the Londoner, the pressure of swiping right and finding a connection can feel “doomed from the start”. Like Tilly and Addy, Meghan has been using celibacy as an opportunity to interrogate his own identity and understand what he wants when it comes to relationships.
“As a queer man, I feel like it’s almost inherent in our nature to be hyper-sexual beings, due to those around me all fitting that narrative,” he explains. “As someone who doesn’t sleep around or spend my time swiping endlessly on dating apps, I feel odd for not feeling the need to get constant intimate validation. I’m a very independent person so I don’t feel the need to be looking for a partnership right now.”
Celibacy as sexual liberation
With Gen Z more likely to identify as LGBTQIA+ and the growing visibility of demisexuality and the asexual community, the move towards abstinence can be understood as part of a wider queer evolution – a rejection of not just compulsory heterosexuality, but compulsory sexuality full stop.
While prior generations have done vital work unpicking the stigma and shame around free sexual expression, Gen Z is bucking the notion that there’s any uniform experience of sexuality. They’re affirming that – contrary to what we’ve been led to believe – not all individuals experience sexual attraction towards others and that our sex drive naturally fluctuates throughout our lives. Rather than feeling pressured to have sex when they reach a certain age, they’re taking time to figure out what they want first – and the terms and specifics of how they experience desire and sexual and romantic attraction.
With social attitudes changing about how sex and self-pleasure are viewed, there is a growing, educated conversation around personal interests, consent and the needs of individuals. With the gradual removal of cultural stigma around celibacy and virginity – finally, the reign of v-card jokes is over – LGBTQIA+ Gen Zers aren’t seeing celibacy as something to be ashamed of. Rather, abstinence can be celebrated – and can be an individual’s own version of sexual liberation.
*Names have been changed to protect the identity of the interviewees