THE only advice ever given by women, no matter what the situation, is now ‘dump him’, it has emerged. 

Years of repetition mean that whenever women consult other women about their problems, the reply ‘dump him, babes’ is offered reflexively and without further thought. 

Helen, not her real name, said: “I’m wondering whether to go for a two-year fixed rate on my mortgage or five years. I asked my friend Tara and she said ‘dump him’. 

“Curious, I confronted my friends with a range of issues, ranging from dry scalp to dissatisfaction with my career to a made-up cocaine addiction and the advice was ‘dump him’ every single time, though not once did I mention a man. 

“It’s weird, because they all appeared to be listening until that ‘dump him’ moment. Then afterwards they were all plumped up with self-satisfaction, happily adding irrelevant cliched shit like ‘you deserve so much better’ and ‘you’ve got to learn to love yourself first hun’. 

“We’ve gone from thinking all a woman needs is to find the right man to thinking all she needs is to dump a toxic asshole without ever once considering life might be about more than whichever dick you’re riding currently. 

“Anyway, I dumped my lovely husband of six years, ditched the business we run together, defaulted on the mortgage and am now homeless. I had to. The advice was unanimous.”