Of course, I cannot label anybody’s sexuality apart from my own, but I did somewhat recently post about this sexual orientation on social media and messages came flooding in from grateful folks who were relieved to discover that there was terminology for the unique way they experience sexual attraction.
Fraysexuals are individuals who are sexually attracted to strangers, or people they don’t know very well. In a most general sense, the more a fraysexual gets to know a person, the less sexually desirable that individual becomes. The degree to which this happens will vary by individual, of course, but that is the gist.
Frasexuality is a sexual orientation on the asexuality spectrum. Contrary to popular opinion, this isn’t because they don’t experience sexual attraction, rather they experience sexual attraction in a very specific way.
Fraysexuality is considered the opposite of demisexuality, a sexual orientation describing someone who experiences sexual attraction only after they’ve established an emotional connection. For example, where a demisexual may require several dates before experiencing sexual attraction, a fraysexual would likely lose sexual attraction the better they get acquainted with someone.
Like most niche sexual orientations, people often dismiss the legitimacy of fraysexuality, insisting the person simply has “commitment issues” or an avoidant attachment style. This isn’t true, and the result of a lack of information and visibility. A fraysexual can have commitment issues and/or an avoidant attachment style, but sexual orientation is its own entity apart from these traits.
“How one feels about committing to a relationship–particularly feeling anxious, nervous or avoidant of making relationship commitments–is not connected to our sexual orientations and how bodies function within our sexual orientation,” Cody Daigle-Orians, asexuality educator, author and creator of Ace Dad Advice, explains. “[Fraysexuality is] a physical experience that has been demonstrated as a pattern over time, and is how this person functions concerning sexual attraction. There isn’t going to be ‘The One’ who will be different for them. This is who they are to their core.”
The Good Men Project offers qualities folks who think they may be fraysexual should consider: First, although you long for a stable and loving relationship, you gradually lose interest in sex. Second, early on in a relationship, you have intense sexual desire, which gradually fades as you get to know the other person better. Next, no matter how committed you are emotionally, you cannot rekindle the flame. And last, you are more attracted sexually to strangers than to those you know well.
Ben, 33, identifies as fraysexual, and says he’s never been the type to need a romantic or emotional connection to enjoy sex. If anything, these emotions would detract from it. This became particularly evident in his prior relationship, where he’d regularly cheat with strangers instead of having sex with his partner.
When they split, Ben decried he’d never be in a monogamous relationship again, and instead pursued his ambitions of becoming an “ethical slut.” Ben is now happy in an open relationship, and fully discloses the sex he has outside of his relationship with his partner. In fact, it’s become foreplay. “We both love hearing about the other’s random hookups during sex, and it’s sort of a way to bring that thrill of unattached sex into our loving sex life,” he says.