Dating — like any pursuit that carries a risk of rejection, boredom or weirdness — can be angst-inducing.
Throw into the mix being single for the first time in decades, being an older person or having less body confidence than you once had, and it can get a lot harder.
But love, sex or intimacy isn’t off the cards for anyone who wants it.
These experts share their advice about navigating apps, first dates, staying safe and avoiding bad matches when you’re dating later in life.
And they all agree that, when approached right, dating as an older person can be fantastic.
Do I have to be on dating apps?
Well, there are a lot of folk on the apps.
One-third of Australians who met their partners in 2019 did so on a dating app. And about two-thirds of people looking for love are doing it on the apps now.
For Gen Xers and older, dating technology changes have created two distinct groups of daters, says Lisa Portolan, a PhD candidate at University of Technology Sydney researching intimacy on dating apps.
There are those she calls “early adopters” who throw themselves wholeheartedly into dating apps with “a strategy in place”.
“They’re on there doing their very utmost to get a relationship up and running,” she says.
Then there are those who “need to feel, smell, touch [and] have that sort of physical interaction with that person to actually be able to gather whether or not there’s an intimacy happening”.
However, in general, there’s a sense of resignation that dating apps are here to stay, says sex therapist Tanya Koens.
And though the interactions on the apps can feel shallow, she says many acknowledge that the technology offers the potential for connection.
OK, I’ve joined an app. How do I avoid bad matches?
It helps to have a sense of what you’re looking for, and an eye for the right clues in people’s profiles, Ms Koens says.
“[Consider], am I looking for somebody who makes me laugh? Am I looking for someone who tickles the grey cells? Am I looking for someone who’s very flirty?”
She says it’s good to have some idea of the answers to these questions before you start looking through dating profiles.
“How are you going to know if you’ve found the right person for you for this particular project if you’re not sure what the parameters of the project are?” she says.
Ms Koens also suggests having a few chats with a person you’ve matched with before going on a first date with them.
After all, sometimes people have used all their best material in their profile.
What do we owe each other on apps?
“Absolutely nothing,” says Ms Koens.
“We need to hold lightly on apps. Back in the day, when the apps started, people were online, and they were really seriously seeking to meet somebody for a relationship.
“Today, everybody’s got a couple of dating apps on their phone and they kind of pick them up like flicking through a magazine in a doctor’s waiting room.
“Sometimes people are busy. Sometimes people are talking to quite a few people at once. Sometimes people find somebody and then fall off the dating site. Sometimes people have stuff going on in life, so you can’t expect immediate returns — or even a return.
“Nobody owes you anything.”
I’ve had some matches and it’s going well. How do I move it offline?
Ms Portolan recommends speaking on the phone first, both to filter the person and also for safety.
“You need to make sure that you’re meeting someone who is a legitimate person, that you’re not being catfished [being tricked by someone using a fake identity], that there’s nothing creepy going on in the background,” she says.
Speaking isn’t a foolproof method of exposing any of that, but it can help.
Once you’ve decided to meet, choose a location that doesn’t put extra pressure on you.
“If you’re a casual kind of person, don’t make a first date somewhere formal,” Ms Koens says.
And consider your exit strategy.
“I’m always recommending for first dates that you pick something not very time consuming, where there are other people moving about, and that you can extricate yourself from,” she says.
“Don’t commit to a three-course meal with someone you don’t know.”
Last month I wanted love, this month I just want a coffee date
Any reason for being on dating apps is valid, says Kerri Sackville, a columnist and author of Out There: a Survival Guide to Dating in Midlife.
“If you just want to go on and get a bit of validation, and you want to have a flirt and you want to have some fun, that’s great. That’s fine. If you want to go out and have casual sex, that’s fine. If you want to get into a relationship [that’s also fine],” she says.
Just be up-front about it.
“If you in your heart are really looking for a relationship and you agree to just a casual thing with somebody who’s only looking for something casual, that’s not fair on you,” Ms Sackville says.
“But on the other hand, if you’re just looking for something casual, and you’re dating people who are really into a relationship, then it’s not fair on them.”
“So I think for everybody, it’s really important to have a sense of who you are and what you’re looking for at any particular time, because those needs will change as time goes on.”
It’s been a while since I last had sex and I’m nervous about it
Ms Koens says knowing yourself is her number one piece of advice if it’s been a while since you last had sex with someone.
“Spend some time being sexual and giving yourself pleasure … [because that] helps you connect with other people in that way,” she says.
Before having sex with someone else, she recommends having a chat about what you like or don’t like, sharing your hopes and setting your boundaries.
“You might chat about that online or in writing, or you might chat about that while you’re on a date. Or you might chat about that over text after you’ve had a few dates,” Ms Koens says.
Consent is always key.
“Consent is fantastic. And it’s also super sexy,” Ms Koens says.
“If you have an innate feeling in your body, that something doesn’t feel right, then it isn’t. And it’s really okay to say, ‘I need to stop’, ‘I’ve changed my mind’, ‘I don’t like that’ or ‘I don’t want this’.
“So many people think, well, I’ve kissed this person and now I need to do everything that we discussed or that I think should happen.
“And I’m here to say you can change [your mind].”
A feeling of safety mixed with curiosity can be a good indication that things are moving in the right direction for you, Ms Koens says.
That can be signposted by thoughts like, “I feel energised, I feel happy when I’m around them, I’m curious about what it would be like to spend more time with them”.
And if you were sexually active before menopause, “there’s no reason to believe that you will not be sexually active after menopause”, Ms Koens says.
“So you kind of owe it to yourself to keep up a regular and pleasurable sex life either with a partner or by yourself.
“No matter what size or shape our body is, or what battle scars we carry, our bodies are very, very capable of giving us and other people pleasure.
“Each body in this world is able to experience pleasure.”
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