IT is only a matter of hours until a man’s gleaming new laptop will be used to view the most high definition pornography imaginable, he has admitted. 

Anthony, not his real name, 15-inch MacBook Air, which cost £1,270, has been out of the box for two whole days without being introduced to the URL of PornHub, but his friends and family fear that innocence will soon be shattered.

Friend Jono, not his real name, said: “Ant’s distracting himself for now by playing with the spatial audio array and touch ID, but those features can only satisfy him for so long.

“That baby’s got a liquid retina display. It’s wasted on columns of text. The fine HD entertainment distributed by Bang Bros would look almost real on that screen, as he’ll discover before the day’s out.”

Wife Jess, not her real name, said: “I feel sorry for that laptop. It thinks it belongs to a respectable man who would never piss away an entire afternoon watching videos of milfs entertaining visiting tradesmen three at a time. It’ll soon find out how wrong it was.

“The second I pop to the shops he’ll be putting the incognito browser through its paces and seeing how many tabs of debauched videos it can play at once. Thanks to the Apple M2 chip, the answer is shitloads. So enjoy your shiny chrome finish while it lasts.”

Ant said: “It’s lasted better than the iPad it was all done and dusted that very first afternoon.”