“Me and my partner have been open for the past 6 months, to mixed results. How do I broach the conversation that I want to close our relationship again?”
A relationship is a bit like Pandora’s Box – once you open it up, it changes things forever. This is not to say that you can’t go back to monogamy, but the way that you practise it after opening and closing will be forever changed. A lot of monogamous relationships operate on exclusivity being a core aspect of the commitment – you love each other, because you know you aren’t into other people.
This is why when someone wants to open up a monogamous relationship, it often throws the other person into a panic about whether they were ever loved at all, because acknowledging that you’re attracted to and want to be with other people is questioning one of the fundamental pillars that made your monogamous relationship feel secure. So if you go back to monogamy, I’d suggest renegotiating your relationship agreements, specifically around what happens if you find yourself attracted to other people in the future.
I’m also curious about why you want to close the relationship and what sort of “mixed results” you experienced. There are of course many valid reasons why someone might want to be in one relationship at a time, but if the reason why you want to close was because of unethical behaviour from your partner that led to mistrust and communication breakdowns in your relationship, I’m afraid that those problems won’t go away even after you close things down. Sure, there might be fewer people involved, but if the problem is your relational skills, that’s an issue that’s going to stick around no matter how many people you’re dating.
Finally, be prepared for the possibility that your partner might not want to close, and that you might have to make a difficult decision. It’s okay to try something and decide it isn’t your thing, but your partner might feel strongly about not going back to monogamy ever again. Ultimately, you do what works best for you, and sometimes that means acknowledging that you are no longer compatible.
“I’ve been out as poly to my friends for several years, how do I come out to my family? I know they might not react well but I no longer want to feel like I’m hiding part of myself from them.”
Coming out is a very personal decision, and it’s understandable that you want to be your authentic self with the people that you love. I came out to my family as polyamorous first, and bisexual second, and like many queer polyamorous people, they responded to me being polyamorous much more negatively.
The LGBTQIA+ community has gotten much more visibility over the years, but people still struggle with the idea that love can involve more than two people. Hopefully, this will change as we gain more representation and more people are educated about the different ways love and relationships can look – which is part of the reason why I’m doing this column!
If you do go through with coming out to your family, I’d suggest preparing in advance for the potential reactions that might come your way. There are a lot of misconceptions about non-monogamy – in fact, I have an FAQ which addresses a bunch of them on my website – and having a rehearsed script will help you feel more grounded rather than put on the spot when you are inevitably questioned about it.
Most importantly, know that their approval (or lack thereof) does not determine your worth, and that you get to set boundaries with family on how you want to be treated. Don’t let your family walk all over you just because you want to maintain a relationship with them.
Some of them may react positively, some may come around over time, and some will never understand or make any attempts to do so. Educate as much as you feel able, but remember that it is never your responsibility to convince people who are committed to misunderstanding your position. Protect and love yourself, first and foremost.
Fancy trying non-monogamy in your relationship? Here’s EYNTK