THE vocabulary you use around your teenager must be interpreted as ungenerously as possible because you personally are the patriarchy and racism, mum. Avoid these:
‘Lame’
As a Gen X parent, emboldened by your correct use of ‘dude’, you attempt to win your scowling child’s favour by called the Red Hot Chilli Peppers lame even though you’ve seen them twice. She tore mercilessly into you for associating disability with negativity. Good luck trying to rebuild that bridge.
‘Crazy’
You might have thought describing the council’s new bin collection schedule as ‘crazy’ was a common idiom with no prejudicial intent. You were very wrong. As your son pointed out, mental health advocates aren’t laying down their lives, which they aren’t, so you can go around stigmatising them, which you aren’t.
‘Homeless’
Knowing your daughter lionises YouTubers who give out money, you boast you did a good deed and bought a Big Issue from a homeless guy. When it’s ‘person experiencing homelessness’, or ‘unhoused person’, if you can get that into your condescending judgmental 90s skull.
‘Spirit animal’
Back in 2016 you shared a fun meme to your family group chat, saying ‘This platypus is my spirit animal’. Your son, who was innocently searching your posts for anything he can hate you for, found it. You’re blocked and staying blocked until you stop being complicit in the genocide of Native Americans. Possibly First Peoples. Definitely Indigenous.
‘Moron’
Even though you were describing Jacob Rees-Mogg, who your kid hates with ever-burning passion and also makes frequent memes about, this off-hand comment turned into a lecture about intellectual disability and your complicity in eugenics and hate speech.
‘Dumb’
If you think any of the above are ‘dumb’, break down and weep with shame. Wanker. Which is still fine, for now.