Up until this point, I was still functioning pretty effectively. I was missing the odd Monday at work, and the comedowns were rough, but I could still do my job – I could convince myself that everything was fine, that I was still in control.
One Saturday night, I’d been out to a club and then went home with a couple – back to their house to continue the party. It got to something like midday on a Sunday and I started talking about going home and trying to get some sleep. But they wanted to keep going, so they ordered more drugs. It had never occurred to me that you could just keep going, but once you break that seal, once you’ve done it once, you keep pushing the boundaries of what feels normal to you.
I stopped interacting with my straight friends, and anyone who I felt wouldn’t understand. I guess I was ashamed of what I was doing – I cut them out of my life because I didn’t want to lie to them.
I built a network of regular people – people that I’d meet at a club, people that I’d go to a house party with. People that I’d had sex with. People that I’d had deep conversations with. You know that they’re not assholes, they’re not psychopaths – you trust them.
These guys weren’t just hook-ups or fuck-buddies to me, they became my substitute family – we were a fraternity. You spend so much time together, you have such deep conversations and intimate moments with each other. These were people with which I felt a deep love. To a certain extent it was chemically-induced love, but it still gave me access to the intimacy that I craved.
Over time, my relationship with chems evolved. Sometimes I’d go out to clubs, sometimes I’d go to a chillout, quite often I’d just stay at home and masturbate to porn for hours at a time.
I knew that what I was doing was damaging – that it was damaging me. I’ve fucked my teeth up and done who knows what else to my health. I was disengaged at work – I was putting my career at risk. I’d put myself in really undignified situations – there were photos and videos of me in really undignified situations, doing things that I regret. I wasn’t taking pleasure in any aspect of my life and I was overwhelmed by an intense feeling of isolation.
I’ve been in counselling with Controlling Chemsex since Christmas. It’s the first time I’ve had any sort of counselling or therapy, but I needed help. I couldn’t see how I was going to do this on my own.
I wasn’t sure what would happen but when I contacted them, there was an immediate response and support. I was blown away that someone actually cared about my situation – that someone cared about me.
I want to stop completely, but I don’t want to be over-confident about what’s possible. When the times are good, I’m fine – but when unexpected things knock you back, it’s a struggle. The counselling sessions are giving me a toolkit to try and manage it on my own.
I’m trying to change my routines. I’m trying to meet guys outside the context of clubs and drugs. But it’s hard – I created a life around chems, an identity. I can’t simply walk away from people who are still family to me, my fraternity. But I need to redefine my relationship with those guys – I need to find intimacy in other ways.
It’s a lifetime project to be happy, to try to be healthy. I’m feeling optimistic, I’m trying to do the right thing.