But the reality is our sex life is dead — and he blames it on my beige knickers.
I’m 39 and he’s 41. We met four years ago and fell in love fast. Neither of us had been married before.
We were in such a hurry to be together that we moved in after only a few months.
At first it was great, though our love life has never been wild.
He said it wasn’t my fault but he just had no interest in sex.
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Then came his hints about swinging, but I brushed him off.
I knew he watched porn and I accepted it as a part of our life.
Then he left his tablet on the table one day and I saw he’d arranged to go swinging without me.
I didn’t let on that I knew, and when he came home the next day I said I was leaving.
He insisted he loved me and begged me to stay. We talked and cried and that’s when I agreed to try out swinging.
I put on a tight dress, my bright red lipstick and an attempt at a confident smile.
We drove to a huge house on the opposite side of town and walked into a darkened room full of middle-aged people, dressed up to the nines all getting half-cut.
I wanted to leave but thought of my marriage and made myself stay.
We ended up peeling off to a private room with another couple who seemed like seasoned visitors.
The whole thing was dire and I made it clear I’d never try it again.
Two years on and we are still married. We are in love but we very rarely have sex.
I know he still goes on swinging sites but he never talks to me about it.
He complains about my beige knickers but he wouldn’t know if I wore a red thong.
I am lonely and sad. He didn’t even bother to get me a card on my birthday.
DEIDRE SAYS: It does seem that your husband holds back from real emotional involvement.
Both porn and swinging allow sexual relief without true intimacy.
He may love you but is unsure about how to connect with you.
He got married late and it is likely this habit was there long before you arrived on his scene.
If he was neglected or abused as a child he could be too scared to get close.
You deserve so much more. If he values your marriage he must seek help to change.
Ask him to go with you to see a sex and relationship therapist.
COSRT (cosrt.org.uk) can help you connect with a reputable counsellor.