YOU need something from the shops, but you’re surrounded by hungry, bored colleagues waiting to put in detailed requests. Here’s how to avoid being their pack mule:
Leave unannounced
Best done as a series of drifts; casually drift over to the water cooler, then toward the door, then out and across to Tesco Express as if the wind had carried you. You’ll be freezing without your coat, but it’s better than doing Sandra from Resources’ weekly shop. Expect looks of betrayal from your colleagues who were busy working.
Fake a phone call
Take a call on your mobile and pretend it’s an emergency – childcare, sick dog, biological warfare attack on Wales – that you have to step outside to discuss. On return admit you were so distracted by the emergency you didn’t look up until you were in Costa, where you got yourself a latte and a BLT.
Move fast
‘Anything from the shop?’ you call from the door. By the time they look up it’s swinging and empty because the moment you asked the question you f**king ran, their cries of ‘A Red Bull and are you going to the place that does satay skewers?’ lost to the wind. Ideal for those averse to looking like a selfish prick but who don’t want to run errands.
Gaslight
Got back to the office to find a co-worker looking tearful and broken at your inconsiderate behaviour? Everyone’s had to stop work to comfort her, and you’ve arrived with a smoothie and a halloumi wrap? Put on an aghast, panic-stricken expression and lie ‘I did offer! You must have not heard me.’ Then watch them grapple with their sanity as you tuck in.
Never leave the office
Bring in a Tupperware. Announce that you are healthy and bringing down capitalism by no longer going to the shops at lunch. Remain a prisoner at your desk, eating peanut butter sandwiches from a stained container, waiting for the moment a colleague announces they’re off out and leaping in with the list of everything you need from the shops.
Never come back
Take everyone’s orders. Starbucks and Caffe Nero? No problem, you can do both. Hayley only likes Sainsbury’s paninis but Gavin wants M&S? You don’t mind. Emily’s got a cake that needs picking up and it’s only 15 minutes walk? Sure thing. Take the money, piss off and never, ever return. They’ll keep hoping for at least a week.