THE pre-recorded message on a GP’s answerphone has advised anyone who has symptoms of a seasonal cold to put the phone down and piss off.  

Patients attempting to book appointments have instead been told the symptoms of the common cold, told they are suffering from the common cold and told they are wasting the doctor’s valuable time. 

The recording, which can barely hide its contempt, said: “Sore throat, swollen glands and runny nose, is it? Take two f**k offs and call me in the morning, dickhead. 

“You come down with the sniffles this time every year, remember? And not once has it lead to any life-threatening health complications. You’ve just got to ride it out for a week without coming whining to me. 

“There are patients with genuine illnesses, and you want to stagger in blasting out shotgun sneezes to be told to take paracetamol and get plenty of rest? Where’s your self-respect? 

“Of course, if you are in fact dealing with something serious, then we’ll give you shit for not coming in sooner. Don’t like it? Go private. We won’t miss you.” 

Patient Nigel, not his real name, said: “Straight to the point, no nonsense advice. I can see why they haven’t answered the phone since 2019.”