INCOMPATIBLE couples across the UK are feeling the pressure as the window of opportunity to break up before Christmas closes.
Doomed duos face the stark choice of having to watch The Snowman with someone who gets on their tits, or acknowledging the death of their relationship at the most joyous time of year.
Kelly, not her real name, 32, dating Tom, not his real name, 33, movingly described the dilemma affecting thousands of people who dread their partner dicking around in foam antlers in less than a month.
She said: “It’s been three years, but I’ve been ready to give Tom the boot since our summer holiday. Just the way he ate his grilled sardines f**ked me off.
“And frankly I’ve never looked at him the same way since he cried doing Sweet Caroline at karaoke and said it was ‘our song’, the twat.
“Now I face a real Sophie’s choice. Either I end up staying with this knobhead until January, or I make a clean break and get less chocolates.”
Unless he commits to an audacious 11th-hour dumping in the next few days, she will face the added misery of a visit by Tom’s passive-aggressive mother and pathologically boring father, along with a forced viewing of Mrs Brown’s Boys festive specials from previous years.
Meanwhile her partner Tom was finalising his Christmas plans for being a twat, including channel-hopping unless an action movie is on, and stuffing a handful of icy snow down Kelly’s back, weather permitting.