A WOMAN has confirmed that she is not leaving her home until March and that nothing and nobody can stop her. 

Helen, aged 29, not her real name or age, works from home, gets groceries delivered and can see no impediment to remaining in her two-bedroom flat for the next four months until the weather is less oppressive. 

She said: “Previous generations had no choice but to leave the house. I do, so I’m not going to. 

“The outdoors is cold, dark, nasty and only going to get worse. Inside it’s warm, cosy and has a plethora of entertainment options all easily accessed by sitting on my arse. What’s my incentive? 

“I can stay fit on the Peleton, I can chat with friends on social media, there’s a literally inexhaustible supply of pornography if I get horny. Worst case scenario I can get a bloke in from Tinder, they do home visits. 

“The whole of human history has been driven by the desire to get inside out of the pissing rain with lots to eat and do. Now that’s within our grasp. It would be slapping our forebears in the face not to live the life they dreamed of. 

“I will emerge in March to the kiss of the spring sunlight and a better world. Christmas? They can come to me if they want and if they don’t, f**k them.”