OFFICE Christmas parties are mundane procedures devoid of fun, famous for debauched antics that never, ever happen in real life:  

Arse photocopying 

Somehow photocopying reams of paper with an image of a bum is accepted as a given, even though you’d be fired on the spot the second you were found with your sweaty buttocks pressed against the glass. Plus as any office worker knows, photocopying is never straightforward. You’d have to get Janice who sits near it to help. 

A fumble in the supply cupboard 

Snogging your office crush under the mistletoe and popping to the supply cupboard for a quick grope is a workplace fantasy that is never realised. Because they don’t fancy you and because the supply cupboard’s firmly locked. 

A triumphant confrontation with your boss 

After cashing in both their free beer tokens, every employee plans to use that Dutch courage to tell their boss what they really think of them. In reality a few free drinks and your pathetic loyalty is bought for another year. Instead, you’ll bitch on emails that will eventually be used as leverage by HR during a restructuring process. 

The blossoming of the office wallflower 

For the last year you’ve made no impression as you timidly go about your boring duties. All that will change at the Christmas party though as you take of your glasses and tear up the dance floor, right? No. Instead, you’ll be ignored and the next day you’ll be asked why you weren’t there. 

Anyone having the faintest glimmer of fun 

Even if your company books a fancy venue and hires fire-breathing acrobats, the office Christmas party will still be a painfully uncomfortable evening full of people who would rather be anywhere else. If they want to reward you they should gift you a Domino’s voucher and let you stay at home, alone.