A MOTHER has asked her children what they would like for Christmas so she can use their answers to deliver much-needed criticism of their lives.  

Mary, not her real name, aged 68, thoughtfully rang her son and daughter to get their gift preferences and to explain why they were in fact wrong and pointed to deep character flaws. 

She said: “Giving is such an important part of the season, and I’ll be giving my son and daughter studied assessments of what they’ve got wrong this year and gifts to suit. 

“It’s a time for family and accepting they know more about what you’re missing in your life than you do yourself. For example my son wanted headphones when he doesn’t listen already and he’d look a little bit like Ben Fogle in a nice yellow scarf from TK Maxx. 

“And I don’t know why my daughter thinks she needs expensive earrings that make her look like an escort girl when she could have new cutlery, because if she wasn’t so ashamed of her tableware she might invite her mother over for dinner more often. 

“All it took was three two-hour phone calls and she’s completely convinced. That I’ve made such a positive difference to their lives is the only present I need. And an air fryer. I’ve specified which one.” 

Daughter Helen said: “Every year we have this conversation. Last year my present was being signed up to run a marathon.”