NEW fathers are failing to use their legal entitlement to paternity leave because they do not want to spend all day with a noisy shit fountain, according to new research. 

The Institute for Studies found that more than 50% of fathers were reluctant to take time off insisting they wanted to keep their work-life balance firmly on the work side because it was relatively quiet and had a more bearable stench. 

Senior manager Tom, not his real name, said: “There are issues surrounding paternity pay and the ability to maintain one’s career momentum but mainly it’s the colossal amounts of shit and piss and a wife that wants you dead.” 

Anthony, not his real name, from Edmonton said: “My employer has been incredibly supportive and has assured me that I could take all the time off I needed. But I said, no, absolutely not, no way, there is absolutely no fucking way that is happening.” 

He added: “I would love to be at home with my wife and child, but at this stage it is absolutely vital that I get as much time as I need to bond with my desk.” 

He added “I do want to spend quality time with my child which is why I have arranged to have lunch with him as soon as he graduates from university.”