IF you don’t drink at a social event, British people will regard you with fear and suspicion. Here’s the very narrow range of reasons they will accept your sobriety:

You’re on antibiotics

Got an infection? Nasty toothache? Suspected Lyme disease? Then you will be begrudgingly allowed to not partake in a heavy boozing session. Any ailment that doesn’t require antibiotics will see a large glass of brandy forced on you, because ‘it’s medicinal’.

You’re pregnant

Pregnant? Woah. Nine whole months without drinking? And then rarely being able to go the pub? How sad. Everyone without kids will need a stiff drink to get over this tragic scenario, and the people who do have kids will already be completely shitfaced so won’t register your big news.

You’re a recovering alcoholic

Yep, this is a good reason, and nobody who isn’t a massive bellend would even dream of attempting to get you to ‘just have one’. What they will do is go on a long, pissed ramble about being worried about their own drinking, before lurching off to the bar for another pint and a shot of sambuca.

You’re driving

People will respect this safety conscious choice but not before they’ve spent 40 minutes trying to convince you that you don’t have to drive home. You can stay over, they insist. However, you know you’ll be sleeping on the uncomfortable sofa that stinks of dogs and farts, and will have to drive back in the morning shaking and bilious, so you politely refuse their hospitable offer.

You’re catastrophically hungover

If you’re really, really hungover, the British will sympathise. For a bit, and then they will start banging on about you having a hair of the dog. You refuse for ages, knowing it will only dehydrate your already arid body further, but eventually give in, just to get them to shut the f**k up.