THERE is no hobby which can compete with staring vacantly into a mobile phone, experts have confirmed. 

Research by the Institute for Studies found that people engaged in supposedly more ‘glamorous’ pastimes like sailing, rock-climbing or cycling, were in fact just looking forward to the life-affirming joy of staring blankly at a lit-up screen. 

Professor Frost, not her real name, said: “After sustained research into the pastimes and happiness levels of participants, there is simply no activity which can compete with thoughtlessly scrolling stuff you’ve forgotten four seconds later. 

“In fact, other hobbies are positively harmful as they take away time spent with the phone. Socialising is just about okay because you can scroll Instagram in the pub while people are talking.  

“Even ostensibly similar pastimes such as film and television should in fact be used as the starting point for googling the actors on screen and then engaging in a magical mystery tour of searching for useless trivia, ensuring you only half-listen to the plot and have no idea who anyone is. 

“Although the phone offers more knowledge than was available to humans at any point in history, it brings most happiness when used to look at cat videos and call Michael Gove a wanker. Admittedly, the latter is a worthy endeavour in itself.” 

Mobile phone user Kah Heng, not his real name, said: “My mobile phone hobby has massively enriched my life. Oh, look, there’s a new Reddit thread entirely devoted to calling Lizzo a fat cow.”