A WOMAN who acts like a sophisticated occasional drinker only does it because alcohol turns her into a raging psychopath, it has emerged. 

ESG SME Hannah, not her real name, preference for champagne is due to her being unable to drink normally without starting some kind of confrontation. 

Friend Karen, not her real name, said: “Han only limits herself to a couple of glasses of champagne on rare occasions because otherwise her eye goes wonky and she starts coming on to really old men. 

“I think she’s got a low alcohol tolerance and some psychological issues, because I’m pretty sure normal people don’t punch a mirror in the toilets ‘to see what happens’ after four glasses of chardonnay. 

“Ironically everyone thinks she’s really classy and always in control, which are not the terms I’d have used years ago at a party when she was dancing with sick on her leg.” 

Hannah said: “I love champagne because you never drink so much of it you wake up realising you’ve keyed loads of cars at a wedding reception, which is obviously just a hypothetical example I made up.”