PARENTS dread talking to their kids about sex, but world-weary fathers have pearls of wisdom to share. Father-of-three Steve Malley explains:  

The importance of rubbering up 

Rolling on a Johnny might interrupt the heat of the moment and render the whole experience sensationless, but it f**king works. You don’t want to take risks in that area. I used to have the motorbike from Top Gun but I sold it to get built-in wardrobes for you lot. 

How to go the distance 

Sex is a good time, that’s why me and your mum used to do it. And there were only four channels. But you don’t want it to finish before it’s even begun. Draw it out to 15 minutes by focusing on dull stuff like Newsnight and watching a school play. Not the one you were in, your sister’s. 

Don’t start talking about it 

All these sex columnists are all ‘talk it through, open up, share your fantasies’. They’ve never confessed an interest in a perfectly ordinary sex act and got dumped by text 22 minutes later. Keep it to yourself is my advice. You’re getting a shag so why make waves? 

Never suggest a threesome 

Seriously, trust me on this. Even if, say, you’re on holiday with your girlfriend and her mate, all on the Sauvignon Blanc and flirting. It doesn’t matter how playfully you suggest a ménage à trois, you’ll still make your mum feel like she isn’t enough. Did I say mum? I meant hypothetical significant other. 

Which positions are easiest on the knees 

In your twenties you’ll be crazy for new positions, trying them all with gung-ho enthusiasm, but you only have to put your back out once and it’s gone for life. Too many shags on the floor and by your thirties you’ll have the knees of an arthritic septuagenarian. Go easy on yourself and let her hop on top for a bit, or better yet, pop it in while spooning. 

Anal’s not all that 

It’s all pub bravado, really. Half those lads bragging about it won’t ever have tried it. In reality it’s a few uncomfortable minutes awkwardly rutting in mild discomfort and you never try it again. Not that I’m yucking anyone’s yum though, the gay lads love it and more power to them.