AN objectively terrible woman believes that people’s entirely natural hatred of her is due to jealousy.  

Supercilious cow Lauren, not her real name, wrongly believes her unpopularity is caused by envy of her good looks, career success, beautiful home and active love life, although she does frequently remind everyone of these. 

She said: “It’s my fault for being far too kind and spending time with these runtish losers. It’s only natural that they become jealous and lash out. 

“I could easily ignore them, but actually I’m very sympathetic. I often put on a touchingly sad face and say things like: ‘You stick with that diet, Kate, someone will find you attractive eventually.’ 

“I admire their resilience, limping by on as little as £25,000 a year and with some very unfortunate teeth. Those are the exact words I used to Carl this morning. I know he’s very self-conscious about it.  

“Lisa, not her real name, became irrationally jealous of me after I slept with a guy she’d fancied for ages and who would have been perfect for her. It really brought out her insecurities, so I tried to help by suggesting she visit a psychiatrist, but that just seemed to make her angrier.  

“As I said to her – envy is very ugly and so are you in anything sleeveless.”