TREATING your partner with consideration on evenings and weekends is hard enough, so during the nine to five they’re just like any other twat colleague: 

Monopolising office space 

Just because there’s only one home office doesn’t mean you should have to share it. Decide your job is most important and let your partner prop herself up on the bed fighting lumbar pain and the urge to sleep. Breeze in and open curtains if she’s not got light on her screen. 

Make lunch for one 

You didn’t have to fanny around feeding a hungry boyfriend during the office years, so why now? If he appears in the kitchen just as you’re settling down to enjoy a lovely procrastination-inspired salad using everything tasty in the fridge, enjoy without guilt. There’s Weetabix in the cupboard if he’s hungry. 

Leave the kitchen a shit tip 

You’re far too busy to run around cleaning up for him, so leave the kitchen in the state an 80s power-dressing executive would: f**ked up. Chopping boards, knives, a half-loaf of bread, dirty dishes, the lot. He won’t mind popping it all away if you’re getting emails. 

Blame each other for the internet 

When the connection drops in the middle of your big Zoom presentation, don’t hesitate. Stomp downstairs and accuse your wife of streaming or downloading or whatever and order her to stay off the internet until you’ve finished. Stomp back up shaking your head muttering ‘useless’ just like in a real office. 

Be loud 

No matter how thin the plasterboard walls, make no allowances for your booming voice as you discuss sales figures, ROI and what everyone’s getting Sandra for her 50th. Put the laptop’s volume on maximum to give your partner context. Watch out for an aggressive counter-attack like loud Radio 2 or the washing machine on full spin. 

Steal water 

Kettle just boiled and he’s in the bathroom? Don’t think twice about stealing it for your tea. Make a hurried cup and head upstairs fast, teabag still in, and let him deal with the consequences. Ignore the muttered swearing outside your firmly closed door. 

Interrupt 

Need to know how to add links to a PDF, or to proofread an email? Why Google when there’s a helping hand just a room away? Just burst in and demand she drops everything to help you, that’s not unreasonable. If told no, file it away as one more grievance to list that evening when discussing the arsehole you work with.