I tell people I am healthy and happy, which is fundamentally true. I take my medication and am naturally upbeat and this is supplemented by the support networks I access, whether that’s my church, peer support or going to the gym. But reality is different. Since my diagnosis in 2010 I have experienced stigma on an almost daily basis.
For NAT we selected a negative dating experience. This wasn’t an isolated incident. Everyone I know who is living with HIV has experienced rejection within relationships on account of their status. When this happens it’s awful and doesn’t get better with time. Instead, we develop coping mechanisms. In my case, every time I meet someone, MP, bishop or random person in a nightclub, the first thing I tell them is that I’m living with HIV. I also had two long term relationships end because the guys thought dating someone living with HIV was either too complicated or stressful.
The stigma within healthcare is also marked. GPs have been well intentioned and polite to me, but I often know more about HIV than they do. For example, when I had coronavirus, I called my GP to ask about coronavirus treatments, only to be told that they had no idea whether people living with HIV were eligible or not. Fortunately, I got the coronavirus treatment through my HIV clinic.
When I went to Accident & Emergency with a fractured ankle, the first nurse wouldn’t look at my ankle when they found out I was living with HIV. The second nurse did, once I explained that I couldn’t pass HIV on because I was on effective treatment, but I had to reassure them by finding an internet article on my phone explaining undetectable equals untransmittable (U=U). Even if I wasn’t undetectable there would be no risk of transmission.
I am unlucky in barber shops. I start chatting, maybe I’ve attended a conference, am doing something with a charity or had a medical appointment that day. I mention that I’m living with HIV. Suddenly there is silence. I’ve been asked countless times if it’s safe to cut my hair or beard. A few times I’ve had to explain U=U, again searching the internet for helpful articles. I’ve learned to tolerate this, but it is always embarrassing. Again, even if I wasn’t undetectable there would be no risk of transmission.