WHETHER scum, parasites or bastards, there are few professions lower than the landlord. Here are the varieties they come in, in descending order:
Your parents
If you’re the kind of student whose parents bought you – or worse, already had – a two-bed city flat, then you’re already as bad as them. Anyway it’s an investment, or so you’ll tell everyone to try to justify it. Deeply uncool, but at £200/month rent and no bills who gives a f**k?
Rich kid wanker
If you’re not lucky or contemptible enough to be the above, you may have the good fortune to rent from one. They don’t need the cash so they’ll be pedantic about the rent down to the last penny. But they’re so thick you can scam them easily, or negotiate a discounted rate by selling them weed.
Chaotic family
It’s never clear who exactly your landlord is, because every time you phone you’ll speak to a different person. Try asking for a plumber and you’ll get a random man with a plastic bag who may or may not be another relation. Friendly and not too rapacious, but the creative electrical wiring does make the place a death trap.
Obvious criminal
By their very nature landlords are criminal, but this type clearly does it as a day job as well. An exacting list of instructions, including a list of names to deny all knowledge of and never to enter the locked attic which is clearly a cannabis farm, came with the property. Deeply illegal shit is going on. On the other hand, you pay rent weekly in cash and it’s f**k all.
Creepy loner
Who is he? Where is he from? How does he own a rather nice flat? Nobody knows. His jokes about wanting to be invited around more are, it is increasingly apparent, not jokes. His ‘surprise inspections’ where he lets himself in of an evening are becoming more frequent. He may have fitted hidden cameras. But it’s a nice flat.
Corporate arsehole
Despite the shiny exterior, any request for the most basic standards of living will be met with the sighs and complaints of a petulant teenager. You’re paying huge sums in rent, it doubles every lease renewal, and he’s already explained that he ‘doesn’t return deposits’. He finds your lack of respect for a man trying to run a profitable business so disappointing.