“I first noticed little things,” says Hannah, whose real name has been withheld for privacy.
“Like criticisms about where I put things in the fridge … how I stacked the dishwasher.
“Whether I was home when he thought I should be and, if not, having to know where I was.”
Hannah, who shared her experience of coercive control via Victim Support Service, said she shrugged off her partner’s criticisms when they first lived together as they did not seem particularly important.
“He always spoke so well of me and my achievements to others. I did not feel disrespected,” she said.
They opened a shared bank account to tackle the rising cost of living and to save money for a home. Her partner set a strict budget to help them “get ahead”.
“He would allocate money for me to spend, and I took this in my stride at first. I didn’t ask any questions,” Hannah said.
Gradually the allowance tightened until Hannah was only left with grocery money while her partner spent freely.
Hannah began to stay at home. She didn’t do the things she used to. She became withdrawn.
Urged to terminate pregnancy
When she fell pregnant with their first child, her partner claimed she had ruined their lives and demanded Hannah terminate the pregnancy.
“We were always talking about having a baby, and he was always supportive of the idea. I did not realise that this was only in principle,” Hannah said.
“I left him briefly but had always wanted to have a family with both parents, like we had both had, so I returned after a short period of time.
“And he insisted — begged — I come back.”
After their child was born, her partner told her to quit her job to stay at home and look after the baby.
“I think this was more about knowing where I was and what I was doing, who I was seeing, but I saw it at the time as him wanting to look after his young family,” Hannah said.
“I was still very much in love with him.”
Controlling behaviour escalates
The controlling behaviour soon began to escalate and became increasingly erratic.
“He would rage at me for the smallest things, like the house being untidy,” Hannah said.
“He began to attack me personally, questioning my mental health, blaming me for everything that went wrong.
“He was now taking away all access to my money.
“The day I decided to leave I can remember clearly.”
Hannah put her baby in a hiking backpack made to carry a child and began to walk.
“He was angry about something. He was still yelling at me. He then ran up the road behind me and kicked me in the back of the knees and I fell to the ground,” she said.
“I honestly thought he would kill me if he got the chance. To say he was menacing is an understatement.”
Reported to police
Hannah said there was a witness to the incident who reported it to police, “who then approached me as I walked along the street to check on my welfare”.
“I felt so much shame, so much embarrassment, and I had done nothing wrong,” she said.
Hannah told the police officer that it was her mistake. She said she was fine.
“I didn’t really know what else to do at that moment. I had never imagined this could happen to me,” she said.
“I gradually came to realise, over time, that I was not to blame for the violence and abuse, but that has taken many years to recognise.
“[I’m] pleased to say that I can feel my old self back, someone who laughs easily and is not afraid to express an opinion, but that girl was gone for some time.”
Coercive control ‘utterly persistent’
Hannah’s story is common.
SA Minister for Women and the Prevention of Domestic and Family Violence Katrine Hildyard described the correlation between coercive control and homicide as horrifying.
“[In] 99 per cent of domestic violence homicides, coercive, controlling behaviour was a factor before that horrific final act,” she said.
“Now more than one woman per week in Australia is murdered at the hands of a partner or former partner.
“Coercive control, an insidious form of domestic abuse that is aimed at controlling, dominating, humiliating, isolating a person and removing their sense of self-worth, is utterly persistent.”
Bill introduced to parliament
In December 2020, Ms Hildyard introduced a bill into the South Australian Parliament to criminalise coercive, controlling behaviours, with some offences carrying a penalty of up to 15 years in prison.
“We are currently consulting on laws to criminalise coercive control,” she said.
“I moved a bill to criminalise coercive control, which didn’t progress, but we have commenced the process of consulting very broadly and also on raising awareness.
“The [Peter] Malinauskas government is committed to criminalising coercive control in South Australia.
“For the laws to work effectively more people need to understand what coercive control looks like.”
The See The Signs of Coercive Control campaign was launched by the state government in March 2023 to educate young people about the signs of controlling or abusive relationships.
Ms Hildyard said that various Australian states and territories were at different stages when it came to the criminalisation of coercive control, with New South Wales being the first Australian jurisdiction to criminalise it and Queensland not far behind.
“What this coercive control legislation will do rightly, is begin to contemplate those patterns of abuse,” Ms Hildyard said.
“Our [legal] system was built some time ago and was focused on particular incidents.
“It’s absolutely time that we moved to one that contemplates those patterns.”
Barriers to prosecution
Victim Support Service senior project and policy officer Celia Moodie says in South Australia, two in three women who have experienced coercive control reported verbal abuse.
“What we tend to see is people reporting physical acts of violence because they consider those to be serious, and in the flow of disclosing that physical violence they refer to incidents of non-physical violence,” she said.
Ms Moodie believes the biggest barrier to being able to successfully prosecute coercive control will be establishment of intention.
“There will always be ordinary conflicts in marriages and partnerships, the reality for lots of people now [is] they can’t even get into the housing market, food budgets are going through the roof, fuel costs are significant,” she said.
“What concerns us is when it tips over into abusive behaviour where they feel the need to be in control.”