SOME absolute wankers think they’re too good for regular timekeeping. Here’s how they mark out their days. 

Brunch 

Brunch has been around for over a hundred years but it’s only become annoying in recent years, and that’s all down to hipsters wanting to justify charging £12 for a couple of eggs on toast. If you don’t want to sound like a prick who has opened a sourdough cronut and porridge café in Bristol, stick with breakfast or lunch. 

Leg day 

Arseholes who spend their lives in gyms get to a point when their steroid-addled brains are no longer able to grasp concepts such as ‘Tuesday’ or ‘Saturday’. Instead, their entire schedules are centred on which part of their freakishly bulging body they’re working on, and they end up saying things like ‘Meet you for a chicken breast lunch next leg day, bro.’ 

Prosecco o’clock 

A nonsense concept which has been enthusiastically embraced by people who love ‘cheeky’ kitchen signs and hen parties. So pointless in its ambiguity that it could fit anywhere from 7pm all the way down to 11am, defending on how much of a massive pisshead the twat using it is. See also ‘gin o’clock’ and, for posh twats, ‘the sun’s over the yardarm somewhere in the world’. 

Close of business 

Beloved of a particular type of bellend whose favourite social media platform is LinkedIn. They think they sound like Steve Jobs using dreadful jargon such as ‘close of business’ or, even worse, ‘end of play’ to refer to 5:30pm. If they use these phrases outside of work, they’re beyond help. 

Me-time 

The wellness industry has a lot to answer for. However, their weirdest invention has been the popularisation of people comfortably talking about having some ‘me-time’. Everyone knows that this is simply code for ‘having a big wank and maybe some crisps, too’. Why health freaks felt the need to formalise the concept is baffling.