WOMEN are high maintenance creatures compared to me, a chilled out boyfriend. Here are five things they do that are especially needy.
Messaging me
I’m not talking about a constant barrage of witty chat, amusing life updates and sexy selfies. It goes without saying that such behaviour is clingy and off putting. No, even two or three messages like ‘u ok?’ and ‘want to meet up?’ spread throughout the course of a day is excessive. A chilled girlfriend would message me as often as my closest bro: once every six months.
Taking photos together
God, is there anything more suffocating than a girlfriend putting her arm around you and taking a selfie on her phone? Tell me I’m wrong, fellas! The only time partners should get photographed together is on their wedding day, and even then they should appear stony-faced and stand a few feet apart. It might be the happiest day of your life, but don’t get carried away.
Asking how my day’s been
The last thing I want after spending a long hard day grafting is to come home to a loving girlfriend taking an interest in my life. Why can’t women learn to be cool and leave me alone in the garage until it’s time to go to sleep? I’m not totally unreasonable, if they want to briefly pop in and quietly hand me a steak, I’m willing to compromise.
Wanting to spend time together
After you’ve matched on a dating app, been on a couple of dates and banged, there’s really no need to meet up more than twice a month. Otherwise you might run out of things to talk about. And I’ve got an incredibly busy life what with spending five hours a night playing Call of Duty with strangers online, so I’ve got to guard my time carefully.
Saying ‘I love you’
Ugh, pass the sick bucket! Just because love is supposed to be the foundation of a romantic relationship doesn’t mean you should actually say it out loud. At least that’s what I’ve inferred from my parents. Instead, girlfriends should express their feelings via less cloying means, such as a cheeky wink or a pat on the head. Or a blowjob on your birthday.