COMMON courtesy costs nothing, but some people prefer the pathetic ego trip of throwing their weight around. Here are the pseudo-insults they mistake for ‘please’. 

A question 

This is basically saying: ‘Are you a dense bastard who doesn’t understand my simple demand?’ Why say please when you can rudely say: ‘Bacon butty, yeah?’ followed by ‘Ketchup too, K?’ The person behind the counter is now morally entitled to add their own personal sauce to the order. 

Implying you’ve got a bad attitude 

Office dicks love feeling superior by vaguely suggesting their minions are deliberately avoiding work, eg. ‘Can you do X – if you can spare a minute?’ or ‘… if that’s not too much trouble?’ Just say: ‘I will, if you can spare the time to say, please?’ You’ll sound like a dick too but it will annoy them more, so that’s fine. 

An urgent deadline 

You can spot an Alpha prick because their demand is absolutely urgent, expressed in self-aggrandising bullshit like ‘Skinny macchiato. To go, yesterday.’ However you know they’re not about to sign off a multi-billion dollar deal, they’re a wanker estate agent who’s late to show someone a crap semi with bedrooms that struggle to accommodate anyone larger than an Ewok.   

A term of endearment 

Using a term like ‘darling’ in a patronising way at the end of a request is not a valid substitute for ‘please’. Interrogating a supermarket assistant with: “Hey you, where’s the Anusol, sweetheart?’ should rightfully see you guided towards tubes of industrial strength chilli paste.  

A sarcastic ‘please’ 

Always performed to impress a group of sycophants. Making the ‘please’ somehow ironic suggests the person being spoken to is in a position of false superiority with, for example, their fancy barista job. You could try your own sarcasm, like ‘Yes, your majesty’ but they’re such a knob they’ll think they’re winning a battle of the wits, so don’t rise to the bait and maturely gob in their coffee instead.